Back to the younger days

Deserted.

You wake up with the harsh reality you've feared since you could remember. The feeling of knowing no one wants you anymore; you don't even want to deal with yourself. The angst repeating and drowning out anything else you dare to think of. It's like subconscious self-torture; your mind is making you feel the way you despise, reprimanding you for everything that went wrong. You want to believe that there will be someone to make it disappear, but they all leave before you have a chance to feel something other than hatred and pain. You should be used to it right? Impaired beyond healing; that’s how you remember it. Day after day you tell yourself it's getting better, but then you have that moment of doubt, and loneliness, and it brings you back to the exact moment your being felt when you got totally destroyed. You'd think that things like this would come as no shock, and you'd just move along waiting until another glimpse of hope comes along, but before you let yourself interact with maybe the one thing that’s worthwhile, you have to remember to look down to make sure the fall won't be as hard as the last one.

We are human.

We have standards beyond what’s expected in reality. We all want to find happiness and comfort in the things we could not physically obtain. Someday we’ll find luxury; someday we’ll realize everything that we’ve ever felt will make us impenetrable. You won’t feel it anymore, as if it’s not real. The desire for stability is overwhelming; we want to believe we’ll find someone worth letting it all go for. Fear is a despicable emotion, yet it’s what we feel the most. We all fear falling for a mistake, even though we risk everything to see if we ourselves, are mistaken. An ounce of regret comes out with every word they speak.

It’s a natural thing.

One good sign could lead to a world of mixed emotions. They’ll break your heart, make your world fall apart, and make you cry until you can’t breathe, but you just can’t seem to let go. Sometimes, good memories are worth the pain.

We are afraid to care too much, because of our fear that the other person will not care at all. Sometimes, you need that reminder that all the energy you spent was worth something; even if it was only worth something to you. Frustration comes out as you face the deepest reality, worthlessness. That emptiness that comes with loneliness will eventually fade into black.

That’s what living feels like.

We should never have apprehension for the things we cannot control because sometimes, when your ecstasy high comes to a new beginning, you grasp a new appreciation for when you walked away when you had life still left in you. And even though you can barely stand on your own two feet, you have that perseverance and strength you’ve had since the first moment that your internal suffocation began. This is just the beginning for you, you’ll feel everything, and experience everything. You just need to find someone who will prove to you that happiness exists, and every time you’ve ever felt pain will just melt away. And maybe, just maybe, there won’t be any fall at all.